January Reflection: An abundance of habits.

I aspired to incorporate so many wonderful habits into my life in January, perhaps too many. With February’s arrival also comes a chance for reflection and inevitable adjustment. Let’s review:  Continue reading “January Reflection: An abundance of habits.”

Here: A note I left out for my husband to read last night.

Dear Nick,

I understand. I am frustrating. I am maddening. I am critical, and, at times, contemptuous. I am temperamental; I fly off the handle for no seemingly no reason. I have ridiculous expectations. I know, I have to deal with it all the time. You shouldn’t have to. 

At my best, I am effervescent. I exude light. I am in control of myself and free with my love for those around me. I am warm and encouraging. I ask thoughtful, fun questions. Every side is a bright one. I want this version of myself around more than anything. I cannot imagine how deeply you must pine for that woman, too. 

I would never have married a tempest such as myself. Perhaps your desire to be brave and strong kept you on this path too long. Did you count on the waters always being calm? I was under the impression you would attempt to quell the storms. Instead, I find you aghast when the clouds roll in. Wary. I’m sorry for the bad whether [sic]. The high winds. The bone-shaking thunder. The emotions rip through me. Tear a canyon in my chest. Crack me open. It’s a terrible pain to experience, but it is mine. I cannot fathom what it is like to watch from outside of myself. 

I want to be a source of peace, a well of calm for you. Yet I can see my personality defects poisoning you. I’m sorry if you need me to be totally different. I genuinely want you to have everything you desire in a partner. The disappointment in your eyes when I don’t pull it together mirrors mine. I only know how gut-wrenching and heartbreaking it is to be me. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to try to love me. 

Katie

She’s a Rambling Gal: Words about stuff.

I have nine books in a partially read status in my GoodReads account. Only a small and acknowledged sample of the open book tabs in my brain. I’m starting Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime for book club. Despite only having 19 pages left to read of David Sedaris’s Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. Such a lovely read. Pairs well with sipping cocktails at a bar by myself. I must be feeling short stories lately; I am 63% through the audiobook version of Margaret Atwood’s Moral Disorder and Other Stories. Alarming how relatable some of the tribulations are. Reminds me there may be no fresh themes or content to write about, just fresh voices. Just words that help to unlock small or large rooms in my mind that were once open but then closed, or perhaps spaces I hadn’t yet realized were there. Continue reading “She’s a Rambling Gal: Words about stuff.”

32 before 32: Two lists, because options.

After two years of incomplete lists of goals for the upcoming years, I have, completed, two lists of 32 things I’d actually like to accomplish before my next birthday! I tried to only include items I actually really want to do – rather than things I think I should want to do. These are two lists of things I know will bring me joy!

Continue reading “32 before 32: Two lists, because options.”

It’s been a while: It’s always been a while.

Three months and one week later, I returned to the scene of the crime. I taught the same yoga class that was the first class I ever taught, with, thankfully, and more positive experience. The growth in three months has been grand and excites me to see what the next thirty years of teaching yoga will bring. My first class was timid. As if I were afraid to fill the sixty minutes with an experience that was authentically me. I wish I could say I’ve been a perfect yoga teacher since then but there is no such thing. It has been an evolution. At thirty, teaching this dog new tricks is a tough go but an exhilarating one. I’ve missed challenging myself to learn and grow. My yoga support system is almost too good to be true. My first class, I struggled to come up with enough for the class to do. Last night, I almost did not leave enough time for a proper cool down. My how time and determination can change things.

Continue reading “It’s been a while: It’s always been a while.”